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On Safe Sex
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Our Lawmakers at
Work
Texas:
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica
is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at
home.
It is illegal to milk another
person's cow.
Utah:
A husband is responsible for every
criminal act committed by his wife in his
presence.
Virginia:
In Richmond, it is illegal to flip
a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a
cup of coffee.
In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick
your wife out of bed.
Vermont:
.It is illegal to whistle
underwater.
Women must obtain written
permission from their husbands to wear false
teeth.
Arkansas:
A man can legally beat his wife,
but no more than once a month.
California:
In L.A., a man may legally beat his
wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2
inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider
strap.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot any
kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a
whale
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Thrifty Bill
Bill Clinton was taking a late
evening jog when he spotted a very
attractive young lady standing on a
street corner. Seizing the opportunity
he goes up to her and starts a
conversation. It doesn't take long for
him to find out that she is a
prostitute.
Well," says Bill, "How much do you
charge?
"One hundred and fifty dollars." she
answers.
"One hundred and fifty dollars!"
Bill exclaims.
"Yes, one hundred and fifty
dollars." she says.
"I can't believe you charge one
hundred and fifty dollars." He
says.
"Well, how much do you think it
should cost?" she asks.
"About twenty dollars." Bill flatly
states.
"TWENTY DOLLARS!" she cries, "Sorry,
it's one hundred and fifty
dollars."
Bill shakes his head and continues
his jog. A few days later, he is out
jogging late in the evening again, but
this time Hillary has joined him. Bill
sees that same prostitute standing on
the street corner and decides to steer
Hillary away from her, so they jog on
the opposite side of the street. The
prostitute happens to see them running
and yells:
- "Hey, see what you get for
twenty dollars!!"
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A Real Tragedy
Bill Clinton is visiting a
school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an
example of a "tragedy". One little boy
stands up and said
"If my best friend who lives next
door was playing in the street when a
car came along and killed him, that
would be tragedy."
"No", Clinton says, "That would be
an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school
bus carrying fifty children drove off a
cliff, killing everyone
involved....that would be a
tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton.
"That is what we would call a GREAT
LOSS to mankind."
"Isn't there anybody here who can
tell me what a tragedy?"
Then little Billy in the back raises
his hand and says: "If Hillary and you
were on Air Force One and the plane was
blown up by a bomb, that would be a
tragedy."
"You're absolutely right" Clinton
beams. " How how did you come to that
conclusion?"
Well," says the boy, "the plane
being blown up by a bomb wouldn't be an
accident and losing the two of you
would not be any great loss to
mankind"
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Bill the
Prankster
With computer analysis
capabilities so prevalent, it was just
a matter of time before these machines
appeared. Walmart is the first to
install these machines in their drug
& prescription dept. What they are
is a urine analysis machine. You go in
a small booth, fill a specimen test
tube, and pour it in the machine, and
after a minute or two the results
appear.
So Bill Clinton figured he'd have a
little fun with it. He went home, had
Hillary give a sample, got a sample
from Chelsea, got a sample from their
cat and himself masturbated in the
vial. Figuring the mixture would
totally baffle the machine, Bill went
back to Walmart and dumped the entire
sample in the machine.
After a few seconds, he received a
printout saying: Your daughter is
pregnant, your wife have syphilis, the
cat has ringworm's and if you don't
quit jacking off, you'll never get rid
of your tennis elbow.
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